Why lovers can’t be friends

A girl I know is seeing this guy on and off for about three years. They’ve been on again for almost a year. Firstly I’ll just quickly say that I think he’s a dickhead who is just stringing her along until he gets bored. He’s also a sponger who is constantly borrowing money from her (we won’t say the amounts). But she is crazy about him.

Last week she told me he bought her tickets to Rihanna last Tuesday. Then while we were chatting he text her saying “Do I still owe you any money?”. And I knew it. He was breaking up with her again. Tying up loose ends. When I saw her on the Monday she told me. He was supposed to go to a family event with her the weekend and bailed. She got annoyed and told him she needed his support but he still decided to go off with his mates and get pissed. On Sunday he told her he thought they should just be friends. That the sex was complicating things. They weren’t friends before.

Let me clarify this- sex doesn’t complicate things. Being an asshole does.

Oh but he still wanted to go to the Rihanna concert together. She was unsure. She didn’t want to say no and “look spiteful”.  So she said she’d go and meet him there and head home straight after. Of course that’s not what happened. He insisted she come to his first and head in together, and then after he asked her to stay the night. We all know that glimmer of hope when they want you to spend the night. “Maybe he does want me. Does love me.” So she did and of course they slept together. The next morning he informed her this didn’t change anything.

I’m sure some of you are thinking “You’re an idiot, get away from him” and some of you will empathise, maybe even relate. It’s hard to tell someone to finish it, make a clean break. Especially when he keeps leaving little breadcrumbs for you to find your way back. I hope she has her epiphany soon because only she can make that decision. Or maybe he’ll f*ck off again soon.

I wanted to focus on the whole “friends thing” though. I truly believe that you can not go from lovers to friends. Especially if there is any feelings there, which one party always has after a break up. Sex doesn’t complicate things. Sex is a bonus. The jealousy, love, resentment and awkwardness complicate things.

I’ve never used that line on a guy because it’s an insult. It was only ever used on me once but I knew I couldn’t go from one to the other so it ended there. My friend knows she can’t be friends with her guy because she couldn’t bear to see him with someone else while she’s supposed to be happy for her ‘friend’. I also think, well, what makes you think I want you as a friend. I have enough friends, they’re awesome. I don’t need a shitty half ass friend just because you are too cowardly to end it properly, or because you want to keep that connection there in case you’re bored or horny.

OK so you’re friends with your ex? Straight after the break up? That he initiated? Fine, you’re the exception that proves the rule. None of my friends are mates with n ex. I only speak to one ex but most definitely don’t consider each other friends. I just don’t think it can be done.

 

 

Bré x